New Understanding
by bookdiva
Summary: Set after the rescue. Kensi's first day back at work. A case that hits close to home for everyone, but especially Deeks. And a surprise for Kensi. Because of your AMAZING reviews, it's now a multi-chapter story!
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: Okay, so this is what came to me on my way back from Microbiology this morning. I'm still undecided if I want to leave it as a one-shot or make it a full on story. Please review and let me know. I have some ideas, but I'll leave it up to you.**_

_**As always, thanks Fern! Don't know what I'd do without ya… **_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

She wanted to scream. She wanted to hit something. No, that's a lie. She wanted to hit him. But she couldn't. No, that's a lie too. She could. She'd done it before. But this time, even she couldn't justify it to herself. Not that she could really justify the first time, if she was being honest with herself.

He'd been… perfect.

_Damn perfection,_ she thought to herself as she applied the last of her make up. She didn't need it as much as she'd thought she would, because she'd been sleeping better than she thought she would.

Which brought her back to him. And why she couldn't be angry at him. Unfortunately, that only made her angrier.

When the team had rescued her from that damn cave, she'd been too weak to really do anything more than be a limp noodle in his arms. She found out later from Sam that he'd carried her four miles through the desert and back to camp. Even though he'd had a bullet graze to the arm and several superficial stab wounds to various body parts, he'd refused to let her go.

He'd been silently supportive during her stay in the MedBay of their camp in Afghanistan, and he'd continued on that way for the flight home. He'd stayed with her as her external injuries—which really hadn't been that bad—healed, and he hadn't pushed her for anything.

He'd never said he understood, but understanding was in every move he made. So when he'd finally brought her home from Pacific Beach Hospital—where she'd gone for one more check up to make sure the field doctors hadn't missed anything—he didn't protest when she literally pushed him away and out the door. He just slid down on the door and started to talk.

He'd talked about his adventures with Ray growing up—what she assumed were his few good childhood memories. He told her about law school and stripping and so many things, she sometimes lost track. And every night, they both fell asleep against the door.

She'd always wake up the next morning—he'd be gone, and she'd be left with a crick in her neck, but a full night of sleep. No nightmares.

She wanted to hate him for making her need him like that. She wanted to hate him for handling her much better than she'd handled him after his ordeal. She wanted to scream at him and tell him that she wasn't worth it. But again, she couldn't.

Because she wasn't really angry at him. She was angry at herself. She'd had walls for a reason, and it was high time that they go back up again.

* * *

She walked into the bull pen silently, surprised to see her partner already at his desk. The scene—so achingly familiar—almost broke her resolve right then and there. He was sitting at his desk, three empty coffee cups in front of him, completely immersed in a case file. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his usually bright smile was noticeably absent.

She seriously considered running for the hills, but just at that moment, he looked up. His eyes tightened, but he managed a strained smile.

"Good morning Kensi," he said softly.

She couldn't force words over the lump in her throat, so she just nodded. It had been Kensi every time he'd addressed her. No Fern, Sugarbear, Princess… no nicknames whatsoever. And she hated it.

But unfortunately, she didn't hate him.

She sat at her desk, wondering how in the world they were going to

"Look, Kensi, there's—"

"I'm telling you, it was car trouble," Callen's voice cut Deeks off. Kensi released a relieved sigh and turned to greet Sam and Callen.

"Well then I think it's time for a new car," Sam shot back. "You seem to be having _'car troubles'_ a lot lately."

Callen laughed and shook his head, but he smiled when he saw Kensi.

"Hey Kens!" he said, moving to sit at his desk next to her. "It's good to have you back!"

"Good to be back," Kensi said with a relieved smile. She glanced over at Sam, but the big man was ignoring her and worriedly looking over at Deeks who had turned his full attention back on the case report in his hands.

Sam turned back to her, but his knowing frown made Kensi feel like a child again.

"Glad you're back safe, Kensi," Sam said softly. Kensi just nodded, again not trusting herself to speak.

Eric's whistle broke the tense silence in the bull pen.

"We got a case," he said. All four members immediately jumped up. "Prepare yourself, guys," Eric warned. "It's a… bad one."

Kensi led the way up the stairs, thankful for the distraction of a case.

"This is DEA agent Brain Samuels," Nell said once everyone was settled in OPS. "He was found dead in a warehouse by the docks. There was a camera in the room, and this is what was on the tape."

A video appeared on screen. Brian Samuels was tied to a chair, his mouth held open with the same type of contraption that Siderov had used on Deeks. There was blood running down his face, and his breathing was labored. Kensi felt Deeks tense all the way across the room, and she couldn't help but shoot him a concerned glance. He just stared straight ahead, watching the video intently.

_"This is what happens to American Agents who don't do as they're told,"_ a heavily accented Russian voice said over the camera. Then, a single gun shot was delivered to Agent Samuels's head, and the screen cut to black. The OPS room was full of tense silence for a long moment.

"God, the Russians really love their drills, don't they?" Deeks tried to joke, but it fell flat to everyone in the room.

"He was 35 years old. No family, no children." Nell paused. "His partner, Kacey Black, was his emergency contact and next of kin."

"Has she been notified?" Callen asked.

"She hasn't answered her cell phone," Nell replied. "But GPS on her car shows that she's still at her house."

Callen nodded.

"Sam and I will go and check out the crime scene," Callen said. "Kensi, Deeks, you two go find Kacey Black. Notify her, and see if they were working anything that could've gotten Samuels killed."

* * *

The ride to visit Kacey was so unusual it literally caused Kensi's heart to hurt. It was completely silent, and Deeks drove, which almost never happened. He didn't reach over to take her hand, and he didn't shoot her any looks with those damn blue eyes of his.

Kensi could see that Deeks was fighting with his own demons, and she longed to comfort him the way he'd been comforting her. But she didn't know how, and the distance between them suddenly just seemed too wide.

By the time they pulled up at Kacey's house, Kensi still wasn't sure if she was grateful or angry for the silence. She got out of the car, slamming the door with a little more force than was necessary. She heard Deeks sigh as he too exited the car, though with much more self-control.

Kensi clenched her jaw and strode forward, not giving her partner a second glance. He fell into step behind her, but it was nothing like they'd been in the past. There was no playful banter, no teasing, no stories about creative ways to pay for college…

Kensi knocked twice on the door and paused, waiting for an answer.

"I'm coming, Sam," a woman's voice—who Kensi assumed to be Kacey's—came through the door. The door was pulled open, looking down and rummaging about in her purse. "It's our day off, and I still don't know how you got me to agree to—"

She stopped short when she noticed Kensi and Deeks standing in front of her.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were…" she shook her head and her smile changed. "Never mind. What can I help you with?"

"Are you Kacey Black?" Deeks asked. Kensi had to hold back a shiver as his breath ghosted over her exposed neck.

Her brows knit together, and she hesitantly nodded her head. Kensi took a deep breath, and spoke.

"I'm Special Agent Kensi Blye, NCIS, and this is my partner Detective—"

"Special Agent Marty Deeks," Deeks cut her off, flashing his badge. "NCIS."

Kensi gasped and spun around to look at Deeks, but he was staring straight ahead.

"It's a new title," he explained to Kacey, who just nodded her head slowly. "We have some things we need to talk to you about. Can we come in?"

Kacey nodded and stepped aside, holding the door open for them.

Kensi watched as her partner stepped inside behind Kacey, but she was paralyzed. She couldn't move. She could barely breathe.

_He's an Agent. He joined… when did he… was it… it couldn't… not after I… _

"Come on, Kensi," Deeks hissed under his breath. "We're working."

Kensi just shook her head. She somehow managed to make her legs move her forward, one step at a time, and she followed her partner and Kacey Black into the house.

* * *

_**Again, thanks for reading and please review! Also, hopefully Hey Baby will be updated soon :)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: Wow! Thank you so much for the responses you gave for this! I was literally floored! I've never had such a positive response! Fern said that you'd all like it. I should learn to just listen to her, huh? (she's kinda a genius) So thanks, Fern, for putting up with my ADD-like writing tendencies. **_

_**Anywho, I'm so glad you like it. Here's chapter 2. Please review and let me know what you think. AND, if you have ideas for where you'd like to see this go… well, I'm open to suggestions :)**_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

_Kensi just shook her head. She somehow managed to make her legs move her forward, one step at a time, and she followed her partner and Kacey Black into the house. _

She took the seat that Agent Black offered her, but noticed that Deeks declined to sit. Instead, he stood behind her, out of her direct line of sight.

"So, NCIS… What's this about?" Kacey asked, glancing toward Kensi. Kensi clenched her jaw and breathed in deeply through her nose.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news for you," Deeks said. His tone was professional, but Kensi knew her partner. She knew what those words were costing him.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Agent Black," Kensi said, turning her full attention back to Kacey, "but Agent Brian Samuels was killed last night."

For a long moment, everything froze. Agent Black just looked at her, her eyes blinking rapidly.

"I-I don't understand," she finally managed. "Wha— um, how—I mean… when? Why? No. I mean, I just… I just talked to him yesterday." Suddenly, it was like the floodgates opened. "No. You're lying. You can't— _He_ can't—"

"I'm so sorry, Agent Black," Deeks said softly. Only Kensi noticed the slight tremor in his voice. "I know this is difficult, but—"

"Oh, you know this is difficult, huh?" Kacey exploded, jumping to her feet. Kensi stood as well, between her partner and the emotional, irate woman. "You know what it's like to lose your everything?"

Kensi grabbed the woman around the shoulders, physically restraining her. It was all she could do to keep the distraught agent from leaping at her partner. She was about to resort to more intense physical measures to restrain her when one whispered word caused her to lose it.

"Yes."

The emotions that exploded in Kensi's brain at that moment rendered her completely frozen, and she lost her grip on Kacey. However, the word seemed to have a similar affect on Kacey. She stumbled slightly, tripped forward, and was caught in Deeks's arms.

"It's okay," Deeks said, straightening her up. Kacey just gazed up at him as if she was seeing him for the first time. For a long moment, no one said anything. Then Kacey took a deep breath and straightened herself.

"I'm sorry," she said, meeting Deeks's eyes. "It's just… you… you look like him."

Kensi turned to look at her partner and noticed his jaw tense slightly, but he just nodded understandingly.

"It's alright Agent Black," he said softly. "Why don't you sit down, and we'll talk."

They spent the next fifteen minutes questioning her, but apparently it had been a relatively slow year for the partners. Kensi couldn't help the slightly bitter feeling that gripped her. She would give anything to just erase the past year.

The image of her partner's calm face on the morning after they'd finally communicated, his nose twitching happily, flashed into her mind, and she blushed.

Okay, so maybe she just wanted to erase 364 of the last 365 days.

"If you think of anything else," Deeks said, handing her his card, "please feel free to call. And I'm sorry again for your loss."

Kacey just nodded and looked down at the card in her hands.

"Thank you…" She looked up at Deeks in confusion. "This says Detective Marty Deeks," she commented. Kensi's heart clenched tightly at the mention of her partner's former title.

_"Being a cop… I think it's more than what I do, I think it's who I am," _he'd said to her once. But as soon as she wondered what could've possibly made him give that up, she had an answer. And it wasn't one her conscience could accept.

"Like I said," Deeks said, shifting his weight from foot to foot, "it's a new title, but the information is still the same. Please call if you think of anything."

She nodded, "Thank you, Agent Deeks. Agent Blye."

Kensi nodded but was unable to speak as she watched tears form through the tough woman's hard exterior. Kensi knew they needed to leave before either she or Agent Black lost it.

They walked out to the car the same way they walked to the house—in tense silence.

Deeks got in the driver's side, started the car, and looked over at her expectantly. She narrowed her eyes at him, but she opened the passenger's door and got in the car.

"Some partner, huh?" he said, pulling away from the curb. "Why wouldn't she know about his involvement in a Russian group?"

"Maybe because he never said what he meant," Kensi said quietly. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Deeks's whole body tensed.

"Maybe she never said what she meant, either," he returned, equally quiet, as he pulled off the freeway.

Kensi's jaw dropped and she stared at him in disbelief.

"You could have told me!" she finally exploded. She could tell from his flashing eyes that she didn't need to explain her words. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

"When?" he shouted back, tuning to face her. "Huh, Kensi? _When_ could I have told you? When did you _ever_ let me in?"

She couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped her mouth at his words. He had never raised his voice to her before, and she hated that she'd made him so upset. She opened her mouth to say something—apologize, yell—she didn't know what, and she didn't care. She just wanted to fix it.

His cell phone rang, interrupting them. His eyes shut briefly and he let out a sigh of relief.

"Deeks," he answered stiffly. He nodded. "Right. Okay, we're almost there."

Kensi shot him a pleading look, but he ignored her.

"That was Nell," he said. "Sam and Callen called, and we need to get back to OPS immediately."

He continued to guide the car back to the mission.

* * *

"We got nothing, Velma," Deeks said as they walked through the sliding doors to OPS. Kensi bristled in jealousy at the nickname.

"I'm sorry, Shaggy," Nell said softly, looking up at him with sad, understanding eyes. Kensi sent a glare in Nell's direction, but the small analyst/field agent just shook her head at her and returned the glare. Deeks cocked his head to the side, clearly confused as to why Nell was apologizing to him.

"It's all good," he said. Nell shook her head again as Sam and Callen entered.

"What do you got for us, Nell?" Callen asked. Kensi stayed quiet as the team

"Brian Samuels was actually from the San Francisco PD before he was recruited into the DEA," Nell said. "Hetty spoke with his Director, and found out the he was working a solo undercover op in conjunction with NCIS. Apparently drug money is being used to fund a Russian terrorist cell who was working to re-arm Russia with nuclear bombs in the United States."

_It's like the whole Siderov ordeal all over again, _Kensi thought to herself.

"I'm afraid we're going to be running another undercover operation," Hetty said, entering the room in her usual manner. "Mr. Deeks, you and Mr. Hanna will be teaming up for this one. It is common knowledge that you took down Siderov. We will be sending you in as disgruntled agents who are willing to sell out the weapons. Tomorrow we will get the details set in place, but for now, get some much needed paperwork done and rest."

Sam, Callen, and Deeks all nodded, and Kensi just stared at them incredulously.

"Are you—are you kidding me?!" she demanded. "We can't send them in like that. It's stupid and dangerous and absolutely… no. Just no. I can't—"

"It's not about you, Kensi," Deeks said firmly. His blue eyes were hard, but they didn't make contact with hers. "We'll talk about this later."

Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked out of OPS.

* * *

The rest of the day didn't go much better, and they never did find a time to talk. Before she knew it, it was dark outside, and her partner was nowhere to be found.

"Where's Deeks?" Callen asked. Both he and Sam glanced over at Kensi, but she shook her head.

"I-I haven't seen him since he booked it out of our meeting up in OPS," she said tentatively.

"And you didn't think to go check on him?" Sam demanded.

"Well, I, uh—" she stuttered, unable to come up with a proper response. Sam's jaw clenched tightly.

"I'm going to the gym," he said calmly. Then he turned around and strode purposefully to the gym, most likely to give the punching bag hell.

Kensi turned to Callen, but he was watching his partner with worried eyes. After a moment, he sighed and looked toward her.

"Look, Kens," he said, not really meeting her eyes. "I know you just got back, and you're still recovering, but this is a tough one on Sam and Deeks. As their partners, we've gotta be there for them."

He followed his partner to the gym before Kensi could come up with something to say.

She watched him go wishing she could summon up some righteous anger at his words. But she couldn't. Because she hadn't been there for her partner—she never really had been. She watched as Callen and Sam eventually came back into the bull pen, bantering like partners should, and she wished more than anything that she was bantering with her partner. She just wished he was there.

As she packed up her things, she listened to the sounds of Sam's and Callen's voices fade down the tunnel, and she'd never felt more alone. She shook her head sadly and walked out to her car.

_You've got no one to blame but yourself. _

* * *

Kensi paced back and forth in front of her door. He was _late_. He was a _whole hour_ late. He was _never_ late. In the month that she'd been home, he hadn't missed a single night.

Her mind whirled a mile a minute, trying to land on one thought.

_He's angry at me. He's not coping. He's leaving me._

Kensi was just about to shake it off, stop being selfish, and go find her partner when the familiar knock sounded at the door. Kensi immediately stopped pacing and ran quietly to the door.

"I'm sorry I was running a little late tonight, Kensi," he said with a sigh. Kensi watched through the peephole in her door as he slid down the wall next to her door. His shoulders were slumped in defeat. "I don't really know if you're listening tonight… or if you've _ever_ been listening for that matter…"

He sighed, and Kensi watched as he ran his fingers through his hair. The sight of that particular nervous habit made her stomach clench, as she remembered doing that same thing to his hair all those months ago.

She closed her eyes and remembered how soft his shaggy blonde hair had felt running through her fingers… the feel of his scruff against her face… the way his ocean blue eyes had darkened in desire…

"I know I should have explained the whole agent thing to you," he said, interrupting her thoughts. He rested his head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. "It's just… well, you didn't really give me the chance. You don't want to _talk_, and that's kinda… you know… a, uh, a thing we'd have to… _talk_ about."

Kensi sighed softly and slid down into her usual position against her door.

"Not that we're not… talking right now," his slightly muffled voice continued. "I mean, I know that's really all I've been doing. Talking. But, not about… _real_ stuff." He paused. "I mean, it _is_ real stuff, but not… ah, screw it. You know what I mean."

Kensi scoffed at his words.

"Don't scoff at me Kensi," he said firmly. Kensi placed her hand over her mouth to stifle her gasp.

_How did he hear that?_

"I said what I meant. You know that I did."

And really, she couldn't argue with that.

"I'm so damn tired Kens," he said. She barely heard the words, but they shattered her heart. She'd been waiting for a nickname for months, but not like that.

"I'm tired too," she whispered, a tear slipping silently down her cheek. There was a long silence.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Ray and I went camping?" he asked, his voice suddenly cheerful. She could tell it was fake, but that was only because she knew him so well.

She shook her head even though she knew he couldn't see her.

"Well, it was some charity thing for… you know, troubled foster kids and shit," he said, his voice flowing fast. "These social workers thought it would be a _'good life experience'_ to take us out to the woods for a freaking week. A _week_, Kensi. They said it would _'build character' _and crap like that. And no," he said, huffing slightly, "I did _not_ step in bear crap on that particular trip to the woods."

Kensi couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled over at that memory. After a moment, he joined her in laughter.

"I was a disaster, naturally," he said blithely, "but it was still one of the best weeks of my life."

Kensi felt her smile drop at the thought of the boy he'd been—and how a miserable week camping had been a highlight of his young life. She thought of all the weekends she'd spent with her own father, and she suddenly felt extremely ashamed and slightly… guilty. She had fifteen years of great memories with her parents—with her father. He didn't even have that much to hold on to.

There was a slight pause before he started up again. He told her about learning how to fish, and his amazement at the revelation that eggs came from chickens and not the store.

She closed her eyes and let his comforting voice wash over her as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_**P.S. Please leave a review on your way out! Also, I'm going to see God's Not Dead tonight, and I'm SOO excited! You should all check it out, because it looks AMAZING!**_


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